Today, I woke up only to realize that I've been on this planet for a quarter of a century now. 25 years of existence since the turn of the millennium. Damn. I feel like I earned a nickel at least.

I'm in my mid 20s, now what?

Birthdays are a funny thing to me. Sometimes they can feel like the greatest things in the world, a signifier of reaching a milestone in your life. Other times, they just feel like an average Tuesday and you wanna slink in your bed for some time longer. They were a lot more exciting growing up than they are now; whether it's an indicator of how things have been or the relationships lost along the way, I can't decide. But in recent years, they've become a lot happer again, mostly because I get to spend some time with the friends I've made.

What are friends for, anyway?

Speaking of friends, one thing I feel like I've gotten better at 25 years in is initiating with and continuing to talk to people who "match my freak," for lack of better words.

There was a time I can recall where I was a lot more outspoken and friendlier to people, usually to a fault. But reality dragged its ugly rear, and so I played defense afterwards up until high school. My theory was that if I acted like a blank slate towards people and gave them what they wanted, they would spare me from getting picked on. But looking back, it might've worked TOO well given how empty I felt coming home.

Like a lot of other folks, high school was a transitional period, especially in terms of figuring out who I was and where I belonged. Life up until now was focused on college given how little time I reserved for talking with people. In a way, I was selfish in that regard as I could've used some of that time to talk to classmates, but I still had the mindset of "oh shit literally everyone is going to make fun of you" from before, so it wasn't really possible.

But like, there was more to life after college, right? Life doesn't end at earning your diploma, so I should probably stop going through life on autopilot and start taking initiative, I thought to myself at the time. Maybe it was too late to make friends with old classmates, and talking to people was still pretty intimidating, but there wasn't like a real threat, right? You ARE allowed to mess up, have egg on your face and move on. Learning about shame, and learning how to own it, was only possible after making a new friend. And it's something I keep reminding myself over and over again to avoid falling back to old habits. We might not talk to each other anymore, but it's a message I wouldn't have learned had I never met this one friend.

Wait... who's making these memories?

I don't think I'm much of a crybaby now as I was as a kid, but as a sentimental person, I can't help but shed tears about past memories. They don't even need to be particularlly bad. One time I remember digging up a tape of my first birthday party and the dam bursted from finding something I had no recollection of happening. Or maybe it was partially due to seeing how young my parents were, and seeing friends of theirs who we don't talk to anymore (whether they moved out of town or simply lost connections altogether). Seeing the old living room full of life, the foods prepared, the music, everything.

A not-so-nice memory I had was having nightmares about the future, specifically imagining what happens to you upon death. Who would live long enough to see you grow up, what will people think about you once you die, and what do you see? Like do you relive the last memories of your life over and over again? Or is it like, a solid color, like the brown of construction paper? I must've watched something on TV that dealt with mortality (looking at you, Boomeraction block on Boomerang) because it's spooked me so much to the point of the same nightmare repeating even up to now. Though I can usually control it, it's not fun imagining a world where all your loved ones are gone, and you're the only person left.

On a lighter note, I keep a box around to store cards people have written to me. It's not unique to me (though the box itself has been replaced with one my brother made), but I don't have the heart to throw them away. It hasn't gotten to the point where it's looking a bit tight at least.

I've started collecting them in middle school, so unfortunately I'm missing a few cards. But the rest are from family, neighbors (some who have passed away since), and other people like past teachers. If anything, it serves as a reminder that there are people out there who've known and supported me, even if we aren't in communication for one reason or another. A new habit I've picked up is writing the date of when the card was written so I don't forget about it. It's useful for writing in cards too since the other person can recognize it as well.

The here and the now

So, how's life coming along nowadays? Well, they're both better and worse in some ways. Being a politically-conscious adult means having to witness some of the most boneheaded decisions made in your life, like stripping away rights of trans folks just trying to exist, and removing environmental protections in exchange for profits. On a broader scope, yeah life in this country. Kinda sucks at the moment!

As for personal matters? Well, I can confidently say that I'm in contact with a lot more people who I'm friends with. I'm still working on finally graduating from college; now the main challenge is to see if I can find a job afterwards. I've been keeping at art making from time to time, trying my best not to overwork myself. Even if I'm not very good at writing about myself, I remain motivated to keep working on this site and all the things I do as signs of progress.

Despite its ups and downs, I continue to make something out of myself, with the goal for it to be for no one except for me.

That's all folks!

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my stream of consciousness. Honestly, I didn't know what to write about since turning 25 isn't really anything special (it's just another birthday to most people). However, I felt like since it ties to my relationship with the millennium, I had to at least acknowledge it. If you got something out of this, great; if not, I completely understand lol. Anyways yeah. Here's to another quarter century 🍻

~C