Welcome to the second installment of the Monthly Ramble. Definitely monthly, yup.

Never consistent, sometimes comprehensible, always available!

so, what happened this month past summer?

In my life...

how im doing

Where have I been these past few months? Eh, mostly just fighting depression before the next school year starts.

Despite this, in some ways, this has been a productive summer. I've made some progress with my art, even if the majority has been drawings of my fursona. While there's a laundry list of improvements I can come up with to further my art, I can see myself distancing away from the title of "occasional sketcher" to "amatuer artist."

It sucks having your energy sapped away by something that's out of your control, however. Being glued to your bed because you don't have the energy or willpower to face the public. Trapped with thoughts about past events, knowing how you would've dealt with them differently. Unable to watch new shows, read books, etc. Those sort of things.

At the very least, I'm grateful to have a home to sleep in with food. But of course, having only the essentials doesn't make for an enriching life. I would love to be in a place where I didn't have to worry about my thoughts & interests being revealed. I'd love to have the courage to say "screw it" and stand up for these things I hold in high regard. But right now isn't a good time.

Family time

Sometime in July, we had some of my aunts come & drop by on us unexpectedly. Compared to other members of the family, we are the farthest away, geographically speaking. So you can imagine the surprise our mom had when she saw her sisters again.

Of course, this meant we had to drop any plans we had going around at the time. My dad was particularly inconvenienced as he was in the middle of obtaining a motor license.

Our cousins also came with our aunts. Getting to know my extended family has always been a struggle, and doubly so when they're around my age. But they seem like nice people, and I think we had a fun enough time (at least, as much as you could with someone you just met).

We toured around the state for attractions to visit. Some of these include a water park, state park, and major city. I've visited these places at least once before, but it was nice to revisit after a couple years now with family around. Though, the driving in between points was exhausting. I remember coming back home one time where I fell asleep for the rest of the day. It's a shame, since the next day, our aunts were leaving the state. So I only got to say goodbye over the phone.

Overall, it was a pleasant experience. Family outings that got me outside and relax for a few hours.

On school, site stuff, and the future...

I've always had a love-hate relationship with the entity known as school. It was my only way of socializing up until high school. It captivated me with the idea of learning. It was exhausting trying to meet expectations of being a "good student." Going away to college, it helped me become more in charge of my personality. It has irreversibly ruined my self-image. It's the only way I know how to make a "good future" for myself.

Which is why I'll have to put my projects on hold for the time being. I've noticed that focusing on activities has become increasingly difficult over the years, especially during my time at my previous school. So I'll have to put my personal projects on the wayside for now. This means the site redesign, too (which, in all honesty, hasn't been worked on since announcing it).

I might make an exception to short blog entries and sketches, but for any large-scale project, I can't afford the time to work on them. This should (hopefully) be my last year for college—I've been enrolled since 2018—so here's hoping I can finish without too much issue.

Media of the Month

I think about this animation a lot. During high school, I stumbled on it during a phase where I thought the best years of my life were already past me. At 16.

It wasn't until college where I started making sense of the animation. Before, I was just starting to learn how simple friendships worked. Now? I was thrown into a web of relationships: acquaintances among different classes & clubs, friend groups that involved multiple people, etc. It felt all of a sudden.

In some ways, I was happy. Never before this moment had I had the freedom to be known to so many different people personally, on a level I thought was reserved for best friends. In others, however, I felt like I was playing a balancing act, trying to balance my school self with my personal one, trying to satisfy everyone's needs and wants while ignoring my own, until eventually I just couldn't anymore.

"Am I a fraud?" "What if people didn't like the way I acted/talked/presented myself?" "Was that awkward or what?" "How can I interact with these guys if they didn't like those other guys?" "Am I truly a good person?" All the constant questioning and changing of personality made my head turn and my stomach ache.

Unfortunately, the only solution was to get out of there. Eventually, after a week of missing classes, I packed up my stuff and moved back in with my parents. I cut ties with just about everyone from that college. That meant cutting ties with folks I considered to be close friends, too.

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So what does this have to do with the animation? Watching the end bit with the guy making simple gestures of kindness, coupled with him coming down once he was ready; it meant a lot to me. It showed that, even in the midst of confusion, I too could take my time and make sense of things that's happened. Even if I can't specify what my issue is, I could still choose to act with sincerity. I can still treat others with respect without going overboard. Even if I just couldn't, I can still do.

And I think that's a cool thing to think about.

Final words

I'll be honest, this was meant to be split into two separate posts: one for school-related thoughts and another for the ramble. But I supposed I did just that on my school experience, so mission accomplished?

It's late, past midnight, I should really get to bed heh.

~Clock